A Little Something New

Well... After letting my old blog have its run for so long, I guess it's about time I let another take over it's reins? Might as well anyways... Since I was beginning to feel that my old blog was carrying WAY too much baggage. Not to mention things have changed so much around my life that I figured a new representation was in order.

My Life in a Masquerade

The most emotionally traumatising thing you will ever experience? Lies in the moments after you fall for someone hard and can't seem to shake off the memories of what your rational mind tells you what you should and should not be remembering much less reacting.

Internal sufferance is all you have left to feel and all that seems to exist in my world is pain. I loved therefore I hurt, I hurt therefore I hate. It's funny how friends of mine have always commented me as being 'strong'... Inside I had always laughed bitterly. If they only knew that the strong mask I presented had deep cracks veining beneath the paint... That it was barely hanging on... And yet it is but the only thng I can hold onto so that I don't lose my sanity.

The only time I take this mask off is when I am finally alone in the confines of my room. Without anything to distract me, everything that I had suppressed beneath pours in and almost drowns me. So much so that I struggle just so I don't lose all rationality. I want to tell someone but I can't so I am left flailing in the vast open ocean with no land in sight. It is in these stillest of moments that I begin to wonder... "Am I always going to feel this way? Will I... Never be free? Why won't this pain stop? ...Was I ever happy?"

Hours drift into days and days into weeks and yet my world is a vast empty silence. There was no end,  no beginning... Just a continuous stretch that stretched into the horizon and beyond. For the longest time, I felt alone, unwanted and so small... Nothing I did seemed to matter, not to me, not to anyone.

Until I met him.

When I first met him, nothing about him really registered to me except the point that he was a 2nd year engineering student. It was only a few weeks later that I realised he was reasonably good looking, BUT I also thought that he was gay (later found out that he was metrosexual) at the same time. A thought that was of course disproven over time. Slowly, a crush developed, our friendship grew and over time we started hanging out a lot more often. Imagine my surprise when I found out that we had so much in common... In hobbies, likes and dislikes... And our dreams for the future. I think that's when my crush started to turn into something more serious. And things somehow just fell naturally into place. (Though it was through some fair amount of comedy)

I love that he is always able to speak my mind without me telling him. It's as if he always knows what I'm going to say before I even do. I love the way we finish each others sentences. And I especially love the way we are able to understand each other wordlessly through our own frequency channels. It's like a secret language only known to us both.

The funniest thing? It was only after we finally became a couple that I realised for the first time that he was not only pretty buff but HOT too... Like SIZZLING HOT. (I'm not one who goes after guys for looks. BUT I do see it as an added bonus.)

You know who I'm talking about, yes, that means you, Jansen. You're all that I've ever wanted and all that I've ever needed. You make me feel alive. You're the only person that I feel truly comfortable calling my soulmate. Because you're probably the only person whom I'm not afraid of truly being myself and not feeling self-conscious about it. I do hope that you feel the same way about me because right now, I'm terrified of the idea of ever losing you.

I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with a loss like that.