The romantic that I am loves this concept. The idea that one day there will be someone out there in your life that you will meet and who will love you then, now and forever more. Whether or not you actually end up together with that person in the end or not... And even when you're apart, that person will keep on loving you for years and years to come. For an entire lifetime...
Alright, so I guess I'm a little kooky and to be critical, this concept is a pretty selfish one. Nonetheless, the idea that someone out there will always love you no matter what the circumstances... Is admittedly... A really good feeling. Who doesn't want to feel wanted or should I say NEEDED and loved?
How many of us struggle with being accepted? With gaining approval? With fitting in? I know I have... In fact I still do. Most of my peers would know by now that I see myself as a loner and I loathe the fact that I still have to depend on my parents to get me through (financially) each day. I hate it. I'm unhappy that there is an obvious division between me and my siblings. I hate that I feel that I have to work twice as hard, to do twice as well and to screw up 3 times less in order to gain some amount of acceptance from my mother. I hate that she is oblivious to her blatant display of favouritsm. (Like HELLO?? Even Kimmy can see it?) As a result, I've never felt good enough, it's like nothing I do will ever match up or CAN ever match up to my siblings in terms of recognition and respect.
Yet in spite of all that, I desperately seek the approval of my Dad (my favourite - although somewhat MUCH scarier - parent). It's as if I'm trying to redeem myself in the eyes of at least one parent, like it's my way of saying 'I'm sorry' to all the screw ups I've ever made. Even then... I still feel so small. He never smiles, never seems to acknowledge what I have to say (save for when the credit card bill or when money matters come into focus) but I guess the good thing about him is that unlike my mother, at least he is listening... Even if he looks like he isn't. What I would give to make him proud... What I would give just to be accepted as someone worthy...
I work so much harder, I spend so much more time studying, I score so much better academically and yet I still feel as if I pale in comparison. The only one there to cheer me on... Other than Jansen, is that invisible force called hope.
How many times have I cried on my own? All alone in the solitude of my room? How many times have I stopped believing every time a tinge of hope seems to come my way? How many times have I felt completely alone in the middle of a crowd (my family save for Cora - my surrogate 'Mom')?
That's why I laugh whenever my peers comment that I'm strong and independent. If they knew the internal struggles that I had to go through with every single day of my life, I think perhaps they would understand why I prefer to put on that facade. I can't bear to show my vulnerability because it hurts just to remember where it all stems from...
I believe everyone has felt this struggle at some point in their lives. The truth is, no one wants to be outcasted, no one wants to feel like they are unwanted or don't belong. Everyone needs to feel that assurance that they are an integral part of society or at least an integral part of someone else's life. I am the way that I am simply because I'm still fighting for acceptance, from my parents, my family and more importantly myself.
After all these years, after all that has happened in my private and personal life, I don't think it's possible for me to even like myself.
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